Mere dribble...

On witnessing and thinking about my adult years as a Democrat, a humanitarian, a pacifist,a feminist, an American...I am spent. I have never been so ashamed of the actions of our Government. I have never been so outraged at the price we will pay for our "way of life" which sickens me with the mentality that as long as we are not without, we are not suffering from shortages, disease, war in our own back yards than we will agree to the mass murder the war offers us, the degradation of the sacred earth our addiction to oil causes us, the arrogance and self righteousness our religion offers us.
I cannot be a part of it, and yet I am, day in and day out, I put the gas in my car that fuels the war machine. I buy, buy, buy, buy with some thought of filling up the lost soul, the void left by no longer being in touch with my roots with the earth, with the life force that I used to be able to feel. Now I feel half empty with the state of the world, the realism that it will always be this way, the feeling of powerlessness at not ever being strong enough to change it. Despair? Hopelessness? This is not me, I am the strong willed bitch, the she wolf. I go for it, I get it, I kill it. But now, I question my own strength and the strength of those in positions to make it right.
I once believed in balance. For every evil bastard there was a kind soul. For every yin a yang. I don't know why I feel that this balance is shifting. I fear it shifts in the favor of the heartless, the mean spirited, the greedy. When will I see this balance restored? What can I do to see that change take place? I pray, I write, I call, and then I see myself contributing to this vicious cycle with my consumerism. I feel like the junkie wanting so badly to kick the habit. I see no easy solution. I see no simple way back to the balance that once restored my soul.
I write in hopes of answers. The proverbial light. Where is the girl that wanted to save the world? How far will I have to go back to find her? Will I be excepted? Will I no longer fit in if I go there? This is by far the toughest challenge we as humans have-to live authentically. Is it even possible? These are just words, the actions are perilous. I am intoxicated by the idea of being more, doing more, making a difference but the fear of the unknown crowds in on that more and more these days.